It’s been a few weeks since I last let my fingers trip the light fantastic across the keyboard while recounting the glory that is Dancing With The Stars. Work and other obligations have been to blame (as well as an acute case of laziness) but have no fear, I watched this week on both Monday & Tuesday nights so you wouldn’t have to. Though I imagine a great number of you already did so whatever I may have to add on a post mortem basis to this week’s episodes is really irrelevant & moot but when has that ever stopped me before.
Before we start, I don’t want to pat myself on the back too much, mainly because I have a sore shoulder and golf season is starting soon, but if you go back to my last blog (3/28) I nailed the first 4 eliminations in order. That however is neither here nor there and can be discussed at the end of the results portion.
We were live from the someday soon to be corporately sponsored Crystal Ballroom and it was Americana Week. There was red, white & blue everywhere but on Brooke Burke. She was once again wearing an extremely tight and extremely low cut (front & back) black sheath of a dress that scored with my lovely wife. I am sure that it also scored with quite a few of the men out there that were also stuck watching this instead of the game (whichever game it may have been). The Wannabe Neverwere Hasbeen collection of Stars danced the foxtrot & samba to patriotic music. Quite a feat in & of itself for the poor professional dancers as they had to somehow choreograph dance routines to this mess of a mash-up. It almost made me wonder if the same people who pick the ingredients on CHOPPED also pick the music for DWTS ?
Ralph Macchio – Seeing Ralph in cowboy gear made me laugh. Billy Crystal was a more convincing cowboy in “City Slickers”. I could almost feel Marisa Tomei telling him “Oh, you blend.” like she told Joe Pesci in that other Ralph Macchio vehicle, “My Cousin Vinny”. Watching him dance, I felt like I was watching a scene in a movie where the obvious out of place New Yorker/foreigner/alien either performs or does something completely out of their element to prove that they are part of the town/gang/cult/whatever. He looked stiff. He looked like he worked at the second rate chain steakhouse where everyone had to dance when a certain song came on. I was less than impressed but then again, he is the Karate Kid and he is bound to be safe no matter what his scores are at this point in the competition.
Chris Jericho – Last week Jericho was sporting an evil goatee for his Paso Doble and appeared to be stiffer than he had been previously. This week he came out clean shaven & clean cut and looked every bit the all american hero in his uniform. He glided. He posed. He pointed. He smiled. He got an 8 from Len. By far his best performance of the competition but will it be enough ?
Chelsea Kane – somehow the best dancer in the group wound up in the bottom 2 last week though I call shenanigans. I think the producers wanted to send the message that "anyone can go home at any time" and made her sweat even though she really wasn’t in danger. This week Chelsea went back to the hair extensions and fringe that had worked so well before. She looked like an American flag in a windstorm. The big question now was would the Disney machine get behind her and burn up the voting lines.
Romeo – His goals this week were to try & capture some of the elegance that Kendra is afraid of and to beat his father’s combined Foxtrot score of 8. I didn’t see what the judges saw but he definitely whooped his Dad. I again question the size of his fan base but that won’t matter as much if he keeps knocking back some big scores.
Hines Ward – They are waving the Terrible Towels in Pittsburgh every week for Hines & Kym. This week they did a take on Officer & A Gentleman so once again Hines was able to pose and keep a solid posture. I will be interested to see him in some of the dances that require a bit more footwork & flexibility. Somehow he walked away with all 9’s, the lead and I still didn’t see it. He is still safe for a while as NFL players tend to do well and this spring, the NFLPA doesn’t have anything else to do other than vote for Hines.
Petra Nemcova – She came out to dance to Viva Las Vegas and she was dressed as elegant arm candy. That’s great if you are a super model (or stretch the definition of one) but not so great if you compare her moves to those of the ultimate cinematic sex kitten, Ann Margaret. Petra was graceful but the choreography didn’t fit the look or the song. She would need a lot of fan support to stay alive.
And in case you haven’t seen “Viva Las Vegas” – here is the 1964 Trailer for the film that should clear up any questions in your mind as to why this was the wrong song & dance for Petra.
Kendra Wilkinson – I loved her response to Carrie Ann’s criticism last week. “I’m not scared of F@#&ing elegance.” Enough said on that topic. She danced to “Yankee Doodle Dandy” and in my humble opinion, it was not good at all. The best thing about the number other than the end, you know the part where they stopped dancing, was Louis’s fake Uncle Sam beard. It looked like a rogue Chia Pet. He can’t be happy that he got a whiny self absorbed basket case as his partner. Her scores were way off what they should have been but then again, Len is getting senile in his old age.
And finally there was Kirstie Alley. Someone in the costume department must have it out for her because while her shoes & Maks’ leg actually held up this week, her costume was an eyesore. It accentuated all the WRONG parts and was not flattering in the least. Her partner obviously recognized the need to help Kirstie beyond the dance floor and RIPPED his shirt off seconds into the dance thus causing a meltdown at AT&T as women across America kept hitting redial. Maks can get Kirstie to the finals if she doesn’t break and he keeps taking off his clothes. Kirstie’s scores weren’t great but I would be willing to bet that she tops the board in fan support.
On the results show on Tuesday night, we were treated to more patriotic themed balloons & decorations. Brooke Burke wore a gold number that was stretched so tight across her that I don’t think she could move. Toby Keith played 2 songs and may have been the most bored man in the room besides his ancient bass player. At least he wasn’t there to push a new album or to push Robin Roberts. His big news was that he was going on yet another USO tour so if there is an entertainer today out there who better exemplifies America, Duty & Honor than Toby Keith, I haven’t met them. So who went home ? They tried to tease us by putting Kirstie in the Bottom 3 but we all know that wasn’t happening. It did come down to I AM JERICHO & stiff but pretty Petra in the final two. Just before the elimination I turned to my wife and told her that the only way Petra had stayed this long was because of her scores dancing. I figured she had virtually no fan support. Jericho on the other hand had been getting by on some decent fan support and some middling dance scores. He is hurt both by his profession and the fact that most of his fan base is watching RAW at the same time that DWTS is on. What did help him this week was the fact that he cleaned up nice and that more women vote than men and that is my explanation as to why Petra was sent home.
Tune in next week when the “Stars” dance to “Guilty Pleasures” (obviously Dancing with the Stars is one of my guilty pleasures along with Project Runway – can you say drama queen meltdowns at their finest ?) and Pia Toscano, the most recently eliminated American Idol (and the girl dating Mark Ballas) will be performing on the Tuesday Elimination show which automatically makes that slot as worthless as a plugged nickel to any performer with an ounce of integrity.