10 Reasons Why I Hate My Diet

Three weeks ago on the advice, no let’s be more accurate, the DIRECT ORDER of my cantankerous & curmudgeonly doctor I went on a diet. So I thought it was time to check in with an update on the 10 Reasons Why I Hate My Diet.

1 – I hate my diet because it has the letters “D – I – E” in it and early on it felt like it too….but it hasn’t killed me yet so I might as well keep going.

2 – I hate my diet because it says you should drink DECAF coffee with fat free half & half….but there are some things in life I can’t do and decaf with my 2 hour commute is a definitely one of those things so I am still having my KAHUNA sized travel mug on the way to the train but I have stuck with the fat free half & half (oxymoron) and stopped getting the double espresso from the office swill machine.

3 – I hate my diet because I can’t eat regular bacon and we all know that bacon makes everything better and this diet needs a lot of help in becoming even tolerable….butturkey bacon, while having fake white stripes that crack me up, and Canadian bacon aren’t actually half bad. In fact, as a kid I used to order Canadian bacon whenever I saw it on the menu so in some ways my diet is nostalgic.

4 – I hate my diet because during the first few weeks you aren’t allowed fruit yogurt which to my son isn’t a bad idea at all as he can’t stand yogurt even though I try to tell him that it is fruit pudding….but I couldn’t give up my morning fat free yogurt so I didn’t. My diet was just going to have to live with that.

5 – I hate my diet because I am addicted to chocolate and there are no two ways about it, chocolate is not allowed….but I will have to give it up to the people at Baskin-Robbins who have made great SUGAR FREE Mint Chocolate Chip and SUGAR FREE Cookies & Cream hard candies. My daughter swears that if you freeze them, they taste like a nugget of ice cream in your mouth and they are only 10 calories.

6 – I hate my diet because I had to start it just before my daughter’s birthday and my birthday and my daughter’s birthday party and a Mother’s Day Brunch so there were plenty of minefields and culinary booby traps in my path….but I didn’t let those bother me, I had a sliver of cake for my daughter, I had a slice of cake for me, I had a sip of a Red Velvet Cupcake Smoothie for the party and I skipped dessert and had sugar free Jell-O when I got home from the Mother’s Day Brunch instead.

7 – I hate my diet because I can’t eat fruit during the first couple of weeks and I love fruit….but those first few weeks are almost over and in checking the booklet I see that pineapple, watermelon & raisins seem to be the only fruits I can’t have. Summer is almost here and not only do I love watermelon but I have a couple of great watermelon ties so we shall have to see about this one.

8 – I hate my diet because I need to run every morning at 3:45am so I can still catch my train in the morning and see my kids at a somewhat decent hour each night….but getting up early to workout (which I used to do a lot before I got fat) actually isn’t so bad now that I have a DVR on the basement TV. Combine that with Xfinity On Demand and I actually have something to watch other than infomercials & repeats of Joy Behar while I count down the miles.

9 – I hate my diet because it says that Gatorade is not a beverage that is allowed…. but if you think I am going to run 3+ miles every morning and work on my garden outside and only drink water, then you are crazy. I drink one bottle of Gatorade (17.5 oz) every 2 days during the week and 1 to 2 a day on Saturday & Sunday depending on how much work I am doing. I shoveled 7 cubic yards of dirt this past Saturday so I might have had an extra bottle.

10 – I hate my diet because during this first phase, pasta is not allowed and I have to go to a lot of charity events & cocktails parties where I have discovered that pasta is served a lot….but having to cut back on most cocktail party & charity dinner foodstuffs other than beef, veggies & cheese actually hasn’t been so bad. My lovely wife (and partner in dieting crime) has been extremely amenable to just make an appearance and get the hell out so I am spending less time standing around eating goat cheese puffs and slimy stuff on a stupid spoon. (As an side to all caterers out there – stop serving food on a spoon unless the server is going to stand there and wait for me to slurp whatever the hell it is in there)

BONUS # 10 (because I don’t know how to count) – I hate my diet because I love desserts and I have always had a sweet tooth….but where there is a will, there is a way and with the help of Fat Free Cool Whip, Sugar Free Jell-o, Splenda, Light Ricotta Cheese, Vanilla extract and Werther’s Sugar Free Caramel Coffee, Caramel Cinnamon & Caramel Mint hard candies I have been able to keep my sweet tooth somewhat at bay. I did make one of those weight watchers diet soda cakes and the kids liked it. I had a small bite and will try it again but I will bake it longer and will try a different flavor – the lemon cake dominated the diet orange soda.

So with all this hating of my diet, how have the results been you ask ? Well head to your pantry or to the baking aisle at your local grocery store and pick up a 5lb bag of sugar. Now pick up another one. If you can, pick up one more and start walking around. Now put them down and start walking around again. It isn’t easy carrying 15 extra pounds around with you and I bet it felt good to put the bags down. Well 15lbs (as of last Friday, I refuse to weigh myself on a Monday Morning) is what I have lost so far and it does feel good to get the weight off again. I am eyeing that 4th bag of sugar as we speak.

Come back next time when we discuss what I am watching at 3:45am as I run and how I am doing once I transition to Phase 2 of the diet and start adding back some forbidden foods who’s absence have helped me lose as much as I have.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “10 Reasons Why I Hate My Diet

  1. CameSawShopped

    Looks like congratulations are in order! Great work…job well done!

  2. Lydia

    Apparently doctors are laying down the law a lot. I am working on figuring out how to get back on The Diet too, & huz will be going back on it with me. May we be as successful as you guys; I suspect we will hate all the same things, lol.

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