The annual PNC Christmas Price Index has been published and like everything except for the price of gas, the priceof giving your loved one 12 Days worth of stuff has increased 8.1% to $21,080. That is more than a few shekels especially in this day & age of economic crisis. So let’s break it down for you….(with a very big tip of the hat to Greg Saitz – who’s excellent article in today’s Star Ledger inspired this drivel and will also make it that much harder to write without resorting to outright theft of his ideas but the discussion as to how much of my material is original and how much is “on loan” is really a one-sided discussion topic for another blog at another time……but I digress…….) now where was I ? Oh that’s right, so as a holiday public service, I am going to try to help us all find some cheaper yet heartfelt alternatives…….
12 drummers drumming – $2,475 – now I have a 3 year old with a drum set so I know with a quick purchase of 12 fisher price drums I could run down to his preschool and have 12 drummers drumming in no time flat with several in reserve just in case some of them can’t keep focused on the task at hand…..
11 pipers piping – $2,284 – so much for not stealing material – since I have already violated child labor laws, I might as well run over to my daughter’s 3rd grade class and get the kids who are going to be playing the recorder in the school holiday concert to give an encore performance……
10 lords a-leaping – $4,413 – I am in New York, odds are better that I can find 10 queens a-leaping than 10 lords a-leaping but I guess what I would suggest we do is head over to the nearest broadway show audition and grab the first 10 rejects coming out the door. They will have something to prove and will most likely work for cheap since they didn’t get the last job they tried out for…..
9 ladies dancing – $4,759 – I am sorry but I can tell you right now that you can get 9 pole dancers from the local gentleman’s club (and lord knows NYC has plenty of them) for a lot less than $4,759 – so save the extra $$$’s for your return to the VIP Lounge in January once the holidays are over…..in case you want something a little more family friendly, the Rockettes seem to be everywhere these days – they just need a little room for those high kicks of theirs….
8 maids a milking – $52.40 – with automated milking machines it isn’t all that easy to find any maids a milking these days – you could always drive out to Pennsylvania and pick up some amish chicks but that gets into cultural issues and needing to take a horse drawn cart to get them back to wherever you are so I think this is one that we can update with the times a bit. I am sure that I can find 8 nursing mothers who just need a spot to sit down with their kid when they are out in public. Problem solved….
7 swans a swimming – $5,600 – they are nothing more than big nasty birds with a serious attitude problem but I will admit they are very graceful to watch – 7 is overkill though but not if you hit the discount rack at Dress Barn where you can get 7 swans from the now defunct Bjork collection…..
6 geese a-laying – $240 – now technically we should be waiting for spring to get geese a-laying eggs but just the other day I saw about 40 canadian geese a-laying on my neighbor’s lawn so I am sure that grabbing 6 of these destructive defoliating poop machines would be doing everyone a favor. I am sure that there must be a park or golf course near you where you could grab some geese a-laying too….
5 gold rings – $349.95 – the price of gold closed up yesterday at $767.40 an ounce so this gift isn’t getting any cheaper. I would head over to the Diamond District on 47th & 48th between 5th & 6th – they will make you such a deal….
4 calling birds – $599.96 – not a lot of demand for this one and I am going to stretch it a bit and combine with some sleight of hand theft but all I could come up with was finding four miniskirted 60’s retro chicks from London and give them all cell phones – of course that may break the budget so the other alternative would be to head over to your local hunting shop and buy some turkey calls & other bird calls and be a bit dyslexic in reading this one to start…..
3 french hens – $30 – I am sorry but I am not paying $30 for anything French – forget it – I am buying good old American chickens and cooking them up – I can get them for a lot less and they won’t be so gamey or smell bad……
2 turtle doves – $56 – who really wants turtle doves ? I really don’t want a birdcage in my office though if turtle doves are like canaries in caves, I could see a use for them around here – especially when accounting all goes to the Cuban joint on 38th for lunch….personally, I am opening my window and grabbing 2 pigeons from the ledge and spray painting them white. I would then quickly release them into the air as a sign of my undying love before my better half got a better look at them……of course with their wings painted, they would probably be stuck to their bodies and they would plummet to sidewalk like rocks……..
1 partridge – $20 – Laurie Partridge really didn’t do it for me until she was on L.A. Law and giving someone Danny Partridge would just be cruel to Reuben Kincaid – based on the tabloid reports we could probably get Audrina Partridge from The Hills to show up with the promise of a few free shots & some free publicity and the promise of free publicity would pretty much guarantee a visit by “Speidi” – the 2 biggest Z-List attention whores on television…..
And the Pear Tree that the partridge is in would run you $199.99 – personally I say pay it – I would love to have a pear tree in my backyard but it is nearly impossible thanks to the stupid herds of deer that roam my woods & ransack my vegetation…….
So there it is – I am sure that not everything fits exactly with everyone’s tastes or budgets so why not give us a few of your own ideas. It is the holidays afterall……
Now just because I talked about the 2008 PNC Christmas Price Index doesn’t mean that you have to talk about the 2008 PNC Christmas Price Index – we can talk about anything you want to talk about. You can pimp yourself. You can pimp the Grinch. You can even pimp the petition going around to change the official name of reindeer to Santalopes…..it really doesn’t matter. As always creative holiday blogkringling is not only allowed but strongly encouraged and while there are relatively few rules in the swamp, the gators are keeping an eye on who’s naughty & who’s nice……
Quietly reviewing the naughty list at the end of the day (I’ll be calling *wink*wink*)…..swampy abides…..