Dancing With The Stars – May 16, 20011

Once again I took one for the team, especially since The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 3 Premiere was last night, and once again watched Dancing with the Never Were & Wannabe Stars for you so you didn’t have to. We had not one, not two but 3 dances for each couple and in a twist never seen before in DWTS History, a Winner Take All Cha Cha. Wow. I am almost speechless.

We were once again live from (Insert your own joke here) Crystal Ballroom. Brooke was wrapped so tightly in her shiny silver floor length gown that she almost looked like The Mummy. She moved as easily as a mummy too when we saw her try to turn around by herself during the introduction. I wonder if they had to put her on a dolly to get her from spot to spot in time. My wife did like her dress and she did approve of her hair. So let’s get onto the Dancers/Stars themselves.

And before I forget, is Bruno growing a pencil thin mustache or did he forget to wipe his upper lip ? He did seem to play more of a villain this week in his critiques.

Ralph Macchio – Maybe Ralph should have pulled himself out of the competition last week because he just didn’t bring it. He tried to cover his sloppy footwork with “intensity” and bad hair & makeup during his first number. His salsa was just slightly less impressive than the butt pads that appeared to be sewn into his pants. His partner, Karina Smirnoff, tried to be a decoy with her wild hair & skin tight costume that provoked some comment from the suddenly somewhat sinister Bruno that got bleeped. (Note to self: look it up online) Ralph’s Winner Take All Cha Cha got blitzed by Hines & Kym and I fear that our aging Daniel-san is on the verge of being on the receiving end of a crane kick.

Kirstie Alley – Once again there was drama behind the scenes with Kirstie & Maks but then again that is really as surprising as death & taxes. Kirstie came out to start the evening for her Waltz dressed like she was a Disney Princess and the judges fell for her hard. Kirstie has always been light on her feet but she’s never been outstanding so I was not surprised that on an evening of 10’s that she could not garner one. Her Paso Doble probably doubled as aggression therapy for both Kirstie & Maks but her Cha Cha saw her get swept by Chelsea & Mark in Round One of the Winner Take All Cha Cha. Kirstie will be safe tonight. She has a much bigger fan base than the Karate Kid and I think Kirstie will be the sentimental finalist of choice.

Chelsea Kane – This little girl could & should use this experience as a springboard to fame though I have yet to see her act. She was on The Disney Channel with the Jonas Brothers and I don’t love my daughters enough to ever watch them. That aside, she nailed both of her dances and if anyone deserved a 30 last night it was Chelsea and Mark. As it was, they went into the finals of the Winner Take All Cha Cha with heels a blazing and came out with the valuable 15 winner take all points. Those extra points along with the lead that she had already built over Ralph & Kirstie should be more than enough to send her to the finale next week.

Hines Ward – After treating his partner, Kym Johnson, like a Cincinnati Bengal defensive back on a downfield blocking play, Hines Ward was all set to get sympathy votes from not only the judges but also all of Steeler Nation and then some. It probably helped his cause that they showed the replay of him falling on Kym and almost snapping her neck almost as many times as ABC showed Lawrence Taylor snap Joe Theisman’s leg all those years ago on Monday Night Football. After a day of speculation as to whether she could still dance or not, all Kym had to do was appear and dance without a hitch and she did. Hines got the first 30 of the season and then inexplicably got another 30 on their next dance. More sympathy points as far as I was concerned. On a night when footwork was blasted on all the others, Hines & Kym floated through unscathed. That is until the finals of the Winner Take All Cha Cha where they looked like they didn’t even belong on the same dance floor as Chelsea & Mark. Obviously, Hines is safe.

So who goes home – Ralph or Kirstie ? Does the older female demographic love Ralph enough from his Karate Kid days to put him through or do they relate more to Kirstie and the personal struggles that she has been through in her life. The overall dance scores heavily favor Kirstie and I think the fact that each week the number of votes that can be cast will be factor. Romeo & Chelsie may have been a better fit for the dances this week but I think it will be Ralph who hopes he has his padded pants on when the door hits him in the keister on his way out.

Check back next week when mercifully this season ends and I can quit recapping it and get down to watching some real trashy television over on Bravo.

Dancing With The Stars – May 9, 2011

Once again I bit the bullet and watched the glittery cheese fest that is known as Dancing with the Stars so you didn’t have to and unlike other weeks, I am actually sitting in a hotel room on a business trip trying to beat the results show to the starting line. So if this week seems a little abbreviated, I apologize but I had an early flight.

Once again we were LIVE from the I think I need to stop the why don’t we have a corporate sponsor joke before I drive it into the ground Crystal Ballroom and tonight for the first time this season our stars are going to have to dance two dances with one of them being the “Instant Dance”. They are going to have to blindly pick a song and then quickly put a dance together. This could get ugly and don’t we hope that it does.

Brooke Burke – My wife was not wild about her bright pink evening gown. She swore that she had a train to rival Kate Middleton’s or whatever her name & title are now. My wife did however, like Brooke’s hair.

Chelsea Kane – Once again she drew the less than envious first slot and despite the funky red lighting, she nailed it. Only Len refused to give up the 10 because he hates Mark Ballas. I really think that Len would rather get a lapdance from Bruno than give Mark a good score. Not that a 9 is bad. Of course Mark gave Len another reason to whine & complain after the instant dance portion. Once again Chelsea had on fringe. No one on the show, star or pro, has had more fringe in her costumes. My wife thinks it’s because Chelsea is a stick and the fringe makes it seem like she has hips. Fringe or No Fringe, Chelsea is safe.

Romeo – The most shocking thing I heard last night was that Romeo’s movie had come out over the weekend. I was shocked. I even looked it up and it actually made money. What is this world coming to ? Anyway, during Romeo’s first song, he danced in dark light and wore all black. His partner, Chelsie Hightower, smartly wore a very flowing & bright red dress to help distract the judges. It must have worked because his scores were more than he deserved. In the instant dance, he again faltered as he never seemed to connect with the music or with the dance. His scores this week were low enough that even a strong fan vote by his supporters may not be enough. Good thing he has his movie career.

Hines Ward – More Terrible Towels in the audience but none of the people waving them look like the closest they have ever been to the Steel City was when they watched FLASHDANCE and they certainly have never been to Primanti Brothers. The judges continued to be immune to any of his errors during his opening foxtrot, a dance that for the first time required some real footwork from Hines. During his instant jive he definitely looked like he was running routes during an early preseason game but again, the judges, while seeming to actually notice, did not score him the way they talked about him. My wife feels that Hines is too stiff up top and I don’t disagree but Hines is still safe. In fact, he is lock for the final three.

Kirstie Alley – Last week Kirstie was told that she “acted” too much and wasn’t dancing enough. She took that advice to heart and in her opening number she danced like she hadn’t danced since week 1. It should also be noted that her partner Maks displayed some serious power moves in several lifts that were awkward in nature and required strength & balance. In case you can’t tell, I was impressed. This was not the same guy that collapsed under her in the early weeks. Of course Kirstie isn’t the same gal either. She’s actually losing some weight and looks better each week. Her instant dance looked anything but good but Len’s meds wore off as he gave her a 9. Kirstie had the scores this week to easily cruise into next week.

Ralph Macchio – This was not a good week for Daniel-San. I bet he felt like he was collapsing against a wire fence last night when he was done because he had been beaten soundly by the judges. In Ralph’s defense, he did suffer a leg injury earlier in the week and his 50 year old body needed more than Mr. Miyagi’s Magic Hand Slap to save the day. In his opening number he came out with an almost creepy goth like vampire look as he stalked around the floor dragging his bad leg around behind. Karina did keep him dancing in the fog for as long as she could but it still wasn’t good. A quick costume side note, did someone forget to finish the collar on Ralph’s sheer faux turtleneck or was it meant to look like it was cut by a drunk with dull scissors on purpose ? Back to the instant dance and Ralph mad parking meters look mobile but even on one leg, he was still better than Kenny Mayne, Steve Wozniak and Master P (Romeo’s Dad). Ralph is going to need a lot of help from the fans to stay another week.

So that brings us to who stays and who goes. Chelsea & Hines are locks for the Final 3 and Kirstie has the scores to go with her large fan base to get to next week. Romeo & Ralph will be the two left standing at the end. The only drawback to predicting a Ralph comeback this week is the change in voting this season. Each week the fans have had the number of votes that they can cast be reduced. I am sure that Ralph has more supporters than Romeo but this late in the season, does he have enough to make up that much from the dance scores ? That being said, as much as I would love to see Chelsie Hightower finally win the title she so richly deserves, Romeo is going home.

But don’t be surprised if we get Ralph removing himself from the competition due to further injuring his leg last night.