Once again I took one for the team, especially since The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 3 Premiere was last night, and once again watched Dancing with the Never Were & Wannabe Stars for you so you didn’t have to. We had not one, not two but 3 dances for each couple and in a twist never seen before in DWTS History, a Winner Take All Cha Cha. Wow. I am almost speechless.
We were once again live from (Insert your own joke here) Crystal Ballroom. Brooke was wrapped so tightly in her shiny silver floor length gown that she almost looked like The Mummy. She moved as easily as a mummy too when we saw her try to turn around by herself during the introduction. I wonder if they had to put her on a dolly to get her from spot to spot in time. My wife did like her dress and she did approve of her hair. So let’s get onto the Dancers/Stars themselves.
And before I forget, is Bruno growing a pencil thin mustache or did he forget to wipe his upper lip ? He did seem to play more of a villain this week in his critiques.
Ralph Macchio – Maybe Ralph should have pulled himself out of the competition last week because he just didn’t bring it. He tried to cover his sloppy footwork with “intensity” and bad hair & makeup during his first number. His salsa was just slightly less impressive than the butt pads that appeared to be sewn into his pants. His partner, Karina Smirnoff, tried to be a decoy with her wild hair & skin tight costume that provoked some comment from the suddenly somewhat sinister Bruno that got bleeped. (Note to self: look it up online) Ralph’s Winner Take All Cha Cha got blitzed by Hines & Kym and I fear that our aging Daniel-san is on the verge of being on the receiving end of a crane kick.
Kirstie Alley – Once again there was drama behind the scenes with Kirstie & Maks but then again that is really as surprising as death & taxes. Kirstie came out to start the evening for her Waltz dressed like she was a Disney Princess and the judges fell for her hard. Kirstie has always been light on her feet but she’s never been outstanding so I was not surprised that on an evening of 10’s that she could not garner one. Her Paso Doble probably doubled as aggression therapy for both Kirstie & Maks but her Cha Cha saw her get swept by Chelsea & Mark in Round One of the Winner Take All Cha Cha. Kirstie will be safe tonight. She has a much bigger fan base than the Karate Kid and I think Kirstie will be the sentimental finalist of choice.
Chelsea Kane – This little girl could & should use this experience as a springboard to fame though I have yet to see her act. She was on The Disney Channel with the Jonas Brothers and I don’t love my daughters enough to ever watch them. That aside, she nailed both of her dances and if anyone deserved a 30 last night it was Chelsea and Mark. As it was, they went into the finals of the Winner Take All Cha Cha with heels a blazing and came out with the valuable 15 winner take all points. Those extra points along with the lead that she had already built over Ralph & Kirstie should be more than enough to send her to the finale next week.
Hines Ward – After treating his partner, Kym Johnson, like a Cincinnati Bengal defensive back on a downfield blocking play, Hines Ward was all set to get sympathy votes from not only the judges but also all of Steeler Nation and then some. It probably helped his cause that they showed the replay of him falling on Kym and almost snapping her neck almost as many times as ABC showed Lawrence Taylor snap Joe Theisman’s leg all those years ago on Monday Night Football. After a day of speculation as to whether she could still dance or not, all Kym had to do was appear and dance without a hitch and she did. Hines got the first 30 of the season and then inexplicably got another 30 on their next dance. More sympathy points as far as I was concerned. On a night when footwork was blasted on all the others, Hines & Kym floated through unscathed. That is until the finals of the Winner Take All Cha Cha where they looked like they didn’t even belong on the same dance floor as Chelsea & Mark. Obviously, Hines is safe.
So who goes home – Ralph or Kirstie ? Does the older female demographic love Ralph enough from his Karate Kid days to put him through or do they relate more to Kirstie and the personal struggles that she has been through in her life. The overall dance scores heavily favor Kirstie and I think the fact that each week the number of votes that can be cast will be factor. Romeo & Chelsie may have been a better fit for the dances this week but I think it will be Ralph who hopes he has his padded pants on when the door hits him in the keister on his way out.
Check back next week when mercifully this season ends and I can quit recapping it and get down to watching some real trashy television over on Bravo.